Yūya Sakaki (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hippocarnival) wrote2019-01-08 08:52 am
hippocarnival) wrote2019-01-08 08:52 am
Daybreak Academy | Inbox
YUYA SAKAKI
UN: FUNDIRECTION
STATUS: Student Grade 9
ACCOLADES: (Here is a list of leading roles Yuya's has in school theater performances over the past two years, plus a glowing review of his familiar Odd-Eyes)
BIO: Hello! You can call me Yuya. I'm from Sendai, Japan. This is my second year in Daybreak Academy. I'm a Tamer, and Odd-Eyes is my familiar. He's the big red dragon that hangs out in the courtyards. He's friendly but he tries to steal food sometimes. I speak Japanese and English but not very good French. I'm also in the theater club. I'm in Lumiere 203. Let's be friends!
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[He looks very much like a kicked puppy, and the only thing that could bring him closer is if he was an actual bear in this moment.] ...I, the man Gongenzaka...
...I think...I would want to, but...
[.................Well, all of his rambles earlier answer that issue.]
....is...
...Is it still alright, to be able to hug you again? [he manages quietly, hands fidgeting with themselves in motions he very rarely ever makes. He's supposed to be still. Sturdy. Stable.
This is far from that.]
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[Why is he asking for permission to hug.] Are you sure it's like that? That you don't just want friendship? We don't have to stop anything we were already doing.
[He thinks. He's mostly sure? Gongenzaka said something about his feelings coloring his actions so Yuya's not sure if that means he's always been treating this like being boyfriends, he's sure they never discussed that.]
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...but as well, since I, the man Gongenzaka, did not realize that was why...neither did you, of course, so the things I was doing...we already did as friends...
[bugger]
...And simply forcing 'more' when I, the man Gongenzaka, do not even know what we would enjoy 'more'... [He's...trailing off again...]
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So--if we're not dating you're going to do less? I was only doing anything as a friend! No matter how I felt, I treated you the same as Nana! Or Kano! I didn't--it never felt like dating?
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No!! [He flusters immediately.] I, the man Gongenzaka, would never force myself to do less..! I...
...
...I do not want to force something to make it...'feel' like dating. I, the man Gongenzaka do not even have the words for what would 'feel' like dating, so...
...That...is what I meant, by it being unfair, [he sighs.] I, the man Gongenzaka...would happily do all of this and more as your friend if it meant you were happy- and more importantly, not mislead by my own lack of understanding..! [And there he goes making it confusing again,]
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[He just wants an answer. He wants some clarity now that this has been all thrown open.]
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I thought it was friend, but it was boyfriend..! [he finally spits out, holding his head in his own frustration.] The things I, the man Gongenzaka have done, and tried, I would not do them for my other friends..!
...So it is boyfriend, but how is that fair when I, the man Gongenzaka, could not realize that myself until now? When I, the man Gongenzaka, could not realize until talking to others about what it meant..!?
[WHY DID HE EVER TALK TO NANA ABOUT THIS]
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Then he crumples against the wall.] I can't be your boyfriend.
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[it was sure a convoluted way of putting it]
...it...
...It is not fair to you, after all. ...not....
[....somehow he didn't see it hurting, though.] ...it is not fair at all to you, and I, the man Gongenzaka, cannot even ask you to wait until I know what would be 'more' than what I am already doing as a 'friend'.
[As what he once thought was friend. As what Yuuya thought was 'friend'.]
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Let's just... stay friends. [He purses his lips.] Just friends. Whatever you have to do to make that comfortable, I'll support that.
[How is he not supposed to wait if there's a chance that Gongenzaka is going to change his feelings? He wants him... he wishes he could want him less. But he'll just hurt Gongenzaka this way, he's certain.]
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[....] And...
...you? [Immediately he stiffens, realizing the pressure of those words.] I...
...if you will still be happy...
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[But that's all it was. Friendship. Yuya was so careful to distance his feelings, to not let them color the way he treated Gon because he never wanted to scare him away. Never wanted to get rejected.
He's not sure how to feel about the fact that it might be something more strictly romantic to Gongenzaka.]
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Gongenzaka is silence, as if sensing the disappointment in the air. And even though he can't, even though he's been plenty oblivious to some of Yuuya's worst moments in the past...
...
What can he say that will not worsen this, he thinks to himself, slowly nodding.
There is nothing.]
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He takes a few steps forward, looking up at Gongenzaka from their massive height difference.] Hey. You're a really great guy. And you're going to find someone that makes you feel special and that really thinks the same way you do, okay? You could even still find them at this school. And it's not going to feel like this.
[Awkward. Uncomfortable. Misaligned.]
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...
(He said they could be friends, and that friends could still do the things he was doing before, but what if him doing that Now makes it awkward now.)
His hands shake, and hesitantly he reaches his arms forward- and somehow despite knowing he isn't going anywhere, it feels more like a 'goodbye'.]
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He loves him so much it makes him sick, sometimes, but he could never forgive truly breaking Gongenazka's heart by failing as his boyfriend.]