Yūya Sakaki (
hippocarnival) wrote2019-01-08 08:52 am
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Daybreak Academy | Inbox

STATUS: Student Grade 9
ACCOLADES: (Here is a list of leading roles Yuya's has in school theater performances over the past two years, plus a glowing review of his familiar Odd-Eyes)
BIO: Hello! You can call me Yuya. I'm from Sendai, Japan. This is my second year in Daybreak Academy. I'm a Tamer, and Odd-Eyes is my familiar. He's the big red dragon that hangs out in the courtyards. He's friendly but he tries to steal food sometimes. I speak Japanese and English but not very good French. I'm also in the theater club. I'm in Lumiere 203. Let's be friends!
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[He knows it's hard, maybe it was too much. But he also knows that feeling of taking in other's love and still looking into the mirror unable to see it.]
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It's different for me, Yuya, it's just—-
[ Whatever it is, he decides against it, regretting it immediately and closing his mouth with a snap, making to stand up. Breathe. Smile. ]
Gotta pee, be right back.
[ He's going back to the bathroom to hide, he can sleep in there, it's fine. ]
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Why is it different?
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'cause you're happy when you hear good stuff 'bout you, right? You cry a lot, but you're happy inside! That's how we're different!
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... Why don't you? I mean, do you know why it doesn't make you happy?
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Hmm, I dunno! For this reason or that? Maybe it's just how I am??
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Even if I don't say it, you know it, don't you? Is me loving you a problem?
[Or is it just that hearing it is too hard, when Kano hates himself so much. Just how he is because he's been so hurt, sure, and that makes Yuya's chest a little tight.]
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It's not a problem...
[ A lie. But for different reasons, reasons Kano doesn't think people will understand. ]
It just feels like a waste of your efforts, I guess? Something like that? 'cause I'm really stubborn, so it's hard for things to get through to me!
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But even if I don't say it... do you believe how happy I am with you?
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Hm... Yes? Because you have no reason to lie to me?
[ Because Yuya's not a liar, not like Kano. But Kano still sounds unsure. Yuya being happy around him is hard to believe— almost impossible— but if Yuya says it, it must be so. It's that sort of belief. He believes more in Yuya than he does in himself, after all.
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But actions mean a lot more to you than words, don't they? Even more than me, so if I have a hard time believing how much someone likes me... it must be even harder for you. I could tell you how much it means, that... I have things with you I don't have with anything else. But it doesn't mean as much in words, does it?
[Kano, who easily says anything, jokes about anything, even faced with Yuya's forwardness he can't take it as seriously. Yuya's learned how indirect he is like that.]
But you know, if you always hide yourself then you can't see the effect you have, either. You do a lot, but you never stop and see what the result of it is, do you?
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His other hand goes into his jacket pocket, rubbing at the thin fabric inside. ]
...I don't do stuff 'cause I want to see a result. I do stuff just 'cause I want to.
[ A vague answer, and not a very real one, either. Everything he does is done with purpose and intention, but it's true that he doesn't want to see the results. Why would he, when they turn out badly more often than not? He tries and he'll keep trying and moving forward and he won't take the time to stop and look back at all the carnage that's resulted from his actions, because if he stops, if he loses all faith in what he's doing, he'll stop forever, it's too hard to go again. ]
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Are you afraid to?
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[ He repeats the word, genuinely surprised. He'd never really thought about it, but fear doesn't seem like the right word in this instance. It's too strong. ]
No, I don't think I'm afraid. Should I be afraid??
[ He just doesn't know, isn't aware of whys when he doesn't believe it matters. This doesn't matter either, not wanting to see the consequences of his actions, because he's already convinced himself that no matter how hard he tries, he will mess something up, something will go wrong and there'll only be disaster left in his wake no matter how hard he tries. But he has to try, or there's no reason for anything he does, no reason he should continue to exist. So he'll cling to that. ]
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What do you think is going to happen if you believe it? Or if you look?
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I dunno. I just won't believe it, right? So there's no point in it anyways.
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He could ask why Kano hates himself, so much that he won't believe it. Get the same answers he gave him, but Kano's never that forward.
They both struggle to believe it, and yet they both continue to hang onto the people they love. Yuya knows why he does it, so why does Kano?]
... Do you think it'll hurt?
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[ Again, it's posed as a question, answering but still leaving the possibility open for Yuya to tell him he's right or wrong, because he doesn't know what the right answer should be. ]
Hmm, let's put it like this: it's like telling me that the world is flat, or that God exists, but no matter how hard you try to convince me, I can't believe it, 'cause it's wrong and it's always been wrong.
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He needs to know something, first.] Did she ever say she loved you? Your mom.
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[ w h y
He doesn't have to think that hard about that question, but he still has to clarify ]
Do you mean with words?
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[ Anyways the answer is no ]
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Yuya hates her, but Kano loves her, so as much as he wants to scream he holds it all in. It's not too hard, actually, because he thinks he gets it now.
His expression softens as he reaches with his other hand to hold Kano's between them.]
Yeah. It's like you said, right? Why you didn't want friends. Because it hurts when you hurt them. It hurts to see them suffer, it hurts when they hurt you--even if they don't mean it. It still hurts. The more you love them, the more it hurts.
[He loved her so much, and she turned all of that against him.] But if you hide, if you don't let anyone else close, nothing can hurt. If you don't look, you can't be hurt.
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His mother is dead. She can't hurt him anymore, but more importantly, she can't throw him away anymore. He'd believed for so long that all he needed was his mother's love, and now that he... sort of... had that... didn't not have it, at the very least...
He lets his hand hang loose in Yuya's, trusting him to hold them, to not let it fall. ]
Is that so wrong? Being like that.
[ All he's doing is keeping himself safe. ]
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But that's not really what matters, anyway, her feelings. What matters is that Kano loved her and was met with pain. All of it was pain.]
... It's the same for you, you know. If you really didn't want to be hurt, you could push me away. You could push everyone away. But you don't. You just hide.
[There's no real, active effort from Kano even after the daemon, even after he so clearly wounded Yuya and hurt over Yuya and Yuya made him face that. He still asked to be forgiven. He still lets Yuya follow.
He doesn't let go.
Yuya smiles, a little bit pained, even though he knows Kano isn't looking.] So even if your afraid it'll hurt... don't you also want to be loved?
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