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YUYA SAKAKI UN: FUNDIRECTION

STATUS: Student Grade 9

ACCOLADES: (Here is a list of leading roles Yuya's has in school theater performances over the past two years, plus a glowing review of his familiar Odd-Eyes)

BIO: Hello! You can call me Yuya. I'm from Sendai, Japan. This is my second year in Daybreak Academy. I'm a Tamer, and Odd-Eyes is my familiar. He's the big red dragon that hangs out in the courtyards. He's friendly but he tries to steal food sometimes. I speak Japanese and English but not very good French. I'm also in the theater club. I'm in Lumiere 203. Let's be friends!

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I do know! [He's sure he's seen how he reacts about Nana.] I just--wanted to give you the best answer because Kano hardly wants to hear something good about himself. And maybe if you heard all the good things I feel with you, you could believe them a little more too.

[He knows it's hard, maybe it was too much. But he also knows that feeling of taking in other's love and still looking into the mirror unable to see it.]

Edited 2019-06-13 15:43 (UTC)

[ Kano shakes his head, pulling his face up from the pillow. ]

It's different for me, Yuya, it's just—-

[ Whatever it is, he decides against it, regretting it immediately and closing his mouth with a snap, making to stand up. Breathe. Smile. ]

Gotta pee, be right back.

[ He's going back to the bathroom to hide, he can sleep in there, it's fine. ]

[Yuya almost lets him go. Almost, but when he gets up he suddenly leans over and tries to grab Kano's wrist in his hand.]

Why is it different?

[ He stumbles and nearly falls, not expecting to be held back, but he's already halfway out the fort, blanket over his head and face, shadowing him like a hood. ]

'cause you're happy when you hear good stuff 'bout you, right? You cry a lot, but you're happy inside! That's how we're different!

[Yuya doesn't let go, but for now he doesn't try and draw Kano back in, either.]

... Why don't you? I mean, do you know why it doesn't make you happy?

[ mmmmmm tugging away a little more... ]

Hmm, I dunno! For this reason or that? Maybe it's just how I am??

Kano. [Yuya's tone is gentle when he starts pulling. Please don't run.]

Even if I don't say it, you know it, don't you? Is me loving you a problem?

[Or is it just that hearing it is too hard, when Kano hates himself so much. Just how he is because he's been so hurt, sure, and that makes Yuya's chest a little tight.]

[ He doesn't physically run, but he does turn his eyes away, because how to say this?? ]

It's not a problem...

[ A lie. But for different reasons, reasons Kano doesn't think people will understand. ]

It just feels like a waste of your efforts, I guess? Something like that? 'cause I'm really stubborn, so it's hard for things to get through to me!

I'm stubborn, too. [Yuya shifts his hold, from Kano's wrist to his hand. He tugs once, gently, not enough to really throw off his balance but just an invitation to come back inside.]

But even if I don't say it... do you believe how happy I am with you?

[ After a moment's consideration, Kano lowers himself back to the ground, sitting with his back against the blanket that offers no support. ]

Hm... Yes? Because you have no reason to lie to me?

[ Because Yuya's not a liar, not like Kano. But Kano still sounds unsure. Yuya being happy around him is hard to believe— almost impossible— but if Yuya says it, it must be so. It's that sort of belief. He believes more in Yuya than he does in himself, after all.

We both know what a bad liar I am, anyway. [He laughs softly, keeping his hold on Kano's hand as they settle like this. Fine, this is how they'll talk.]

But actions mean a lot more to you than words, don't they? Even more than me, so if I have a hard time believing how much someone likes me... it must be even harder for you. I could tell you how much it means, that... I have things with you I don't have with anything else. But it doesn't mean as much in words, does it?

[Kano, who easily says anything, jokes about anything, even faced with Yuya's forwardness he can't take it as seriously. Yuya's learned how indirect he is like that.]

But you know, if you always hide yourself then you can't see the effect you have, either. You do a lot, but you never stop and see what the result of it is, do you?

[ Actions can also be a lie, but it's so much harder- it takes more effort, much more thought has to be put into it- and it's because of that, lie or not, they hold so much more weight. But at the same time, actions can be silent, misinterpreted, taken the wrong way; Kano himself doesn't like being touched, nor does he feel comfortable being looked at, and the hands and the eyes are some of the most expressive parts of the body.

His other hand goes into his jacket pocket, rubbing at the thin fabric inside. ]

...I don't do stuff 'cause I want to see a result. I do stuff just 'cause I want to.

[ A vague answer, and not a very real one, either. Everything he does is done with purpose and intention, but it's true that he doesn't want to see the results. Why would he, when they turn out badly more often than not? He tries and he'll keep trying and moving forward and he won't take the time to stop and look back at all the carnage that's resulted from his actions, because if he stops, if he loses all faith in what he's doing, he'll stop forever, it's too hard to go again. ]

[He said something to that effect before, so it isn't an answer that surprises him. That Kano doesn't care how it reflects on himself, as long as he thinks he's done right by the other person. Does he ever really know for sure?]

Are you afraid to?

Afraid?

[ He repeats the word, genuinely surprised. He'd never really thought about it, but fear doesn't seem like the right word in this instance. It's too strong. ]

No, I don't think I'm afraid. Should I be afraid??

[ He just doesn't know, isn't aware of whys when he doesn't believe it matters. This doesn't matter either, not wanting to see the consequences of his actions, because he's already convinced himself that no matter how hard he tries, he will mess something up, something will go wrong and there'll only be disaster left in his wake no matter how hard he tries. But he has to try, or there's no reason for anything he does, no reason he should continue to exist. So he'll cling to that. ]

I don't think so. But you were once, right? [Shuuya seemed terrified of... well, everything. He couldn't trust anyone to be close, and isn't that driven by some sort of fear?]

What do you think is going to happen if you believe it? Or if you look?

[ Was he afraid once.......... Not since he was a kid, not since he was Shuuya from before he threw away his name and feelings and hid all of that weak, vulnerable stuff away from the world and become somebody who could not be hurt. You can't hurt what's not there. ]

I dunno. I just won't believe it, right? So there's no point in it anyways.

[Yuya bites his lip for just a moment, listening carefully. Because he really wants to help, too, the way that Kano wants to help him. And to do that, he needs to learn to put together the way he dances around things.

He could ask why Kano hates himself, so much that he won't believe it. Get the same answers he gave him, but Kano's never that forward.

They both struggle to believe it, and yet they both continue to hang onto the people they love. Yuya knows why he does it, so why does Kano?]

... Do you think it'll hurt?

No?

[ Again, it's posed as a question, answering but still leaving the possibility open for Yuya to tell him he's right or wrong, because he doesn't know what the right answer should be. ]

Hmm, let's put it like this: it's like telling me that the world is flat, or that God exists, but no matter how hard you try to convince me, I can't believe it, 'cause it's wrong and it's always been wrong.

[This stuff is so hard to explain on Yuya's end. His face scrunches briefly in thought before he tries again.

He needs to know something, first.] Did she ever say she loved you? Your mom.

Uh.

[ w h y

He doesn't have to think that hard about that question, but he still has to clarify ]

Do you mean with words?

Yeah. Did she ever say it?

Hmm, well, I dunno? I was five or six, and I have a real shitty memory.

[ Anyways the answer is no ]

[The answer is no. Because Kano loves his mother, wouldn't hesitate to assure Yuya that she certainly loved him, absolutely told him so when Yuya's seen what she'd done to him. When he knows what other people would think about it, and that's why he hides it all.

Yuya hates her, but Kano loves her, so as much as he wants to scream he holds it all in. It's not too hard, actually, because he thinks he gets it now.

His expression softens as he reaches with his other hand to hold Kano's between them.]

Yeah. It's like you said, right? Why you didn't want friends. Because it hurts when you hurt them. It hurts to see them suffer, it hurts when they hurt you--even if they don't mean it. It still hurts. The more you love them, the more it hurts.

[He loved her so much, and she turned all of that against him.] But if you hide, if you don't let anyone else close, nothing can hurt. If you don't look, you can't be hurt.

[ She might never have said it, but he knows she does. She has to have loved him, even if she was always screaming and hitting and crying—- she was that way because of him, because of who he is and what he does and that no matter how hard he tries, he's never good enough. But she must have loved him, because if she didn't, she would have thrown him away, and Shuuya was doing everything he could to keep from being thrown away, trying to convince himself that he is loved and is needed.

His mother is dead. She can't hurt him anymore, but more importantly, she can't throw him away anymore. He'd believed for so long that all he needed was his mother's love, and now that he... sort of... had that... didn't not have it, at the very least...

He lets his hand hang loose in Yuya's, trusting him to hold them, to not let it fall. ]

Is that so wrong? Being like that.

[ All he's doing is keeping himself safe. ]

[When Kano's grip loosens, Yuya takes the chance to wind their fingers together, as they've done plenty of times now, and cradles both his hands gently around Kano's. If he knew she sacrificed herself for him, Yuya might agree that maybe she really did love him.

But that's not really what matters, anyway, her feelings. What matters is that Kano loved her and was met with pain. All of it was pain.]

... It's the same for you, you know. If you really didn't want to be hurt, you could push me away. You could push everyone away. But you don't. You just hide.

[There's no real, active effort from Kano even after the daemon, even after he so clearly wounded Yuya and hurt over Yuya and Yuya made him face that. He still asked to be forgiven. He still lets Yuya follow.

He doesn't let go.

Yuya smiles, a little bit pained, even though he knows Kano isn't looking.] So even if your afraid it'll hurt... don't you also want to be loved?

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