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[hippocarnival]

YUYA SAKAKI UN: FUNDIRECTION

STATUS: Student Grade 9

ACCOLADES: (Here is a list of leading roles Yuya's has in school theater performances over the past two years, plus a glowing review of his familiar Odd-Eyes)

BIO: Hello! You can call me Yuya. I'm from Sendai, Japan. This is my second year in Daybreak Academy. I'm a Tamer, and Odd-Eyes is my familiar. He's the big red dragon that hangs out in the courtyards. He's friendly but he tries to steal food sometimes. I speak Japanese and English but not very good French. I'm also in the theater club. I'm in Lumiere 203. Let's be friends!

© TESSISAMESS

Comments

[suddenlybees]

Hmm, well, I dunno? I was five or six, and I have a real shitty memory.

[ Anyways the answer is no ]

[hippocarnival]

[The answer is no. Because Kano loves his mother, wouldn't hesitate to assure Yuya that she certainly loved him, absolutely told him so when Yuya's seen what she'd done to him. When he knows what other people would think about it, and that's why he hides it all.

Yuya hates her, but Kano loves her, so as much as he wants to scream he holds it all in. It's not too hard, actually, because he thinks he gets it now.

His expression softens as he reaches with his other hand to hold Kano's between them.]

Yeah. It's like you said, right? Why you didn't want friends. Because it hurts when you hurt them. It hurts to see them suffer, it hurts when they hurt you--even if they don't mean it. It still hurts. The more you love them, the more it hurts.

[He loved her so much, and she turned all of that against him.] But if you hide, if you don't let anyone else close, nothing can hurt. If you don't look, you can't be hurt.

[suddenlybees]

[ She might never have said it, but he knows she does. She has to have loved him, even if she was always screaming and hitting and crying—- she was that way because of him, because of who he is and what he does and that no matter how hard he tries, he's never good enough. But she must have loved him, because if she didn't, she would have thrown him away, and Shuuya was doing everything he could to keep from being thrown away, trying to convince himself that he is loved and is needed.

His mother is dead. She can't hurt him anymore, but more importantly, she can't throw him away anymore. He'd believed for so long that all he needed was his mother's love, and now that he... sort of... had that... didn't not have it, at the very least...

He lets his hand hang loose in Yuya's, trusting him to hold them, to not let it fall. ]

Is that so wrong? Being like that.

[ All he's doing is keeping himself safe. ]

[hippocarnival]

[When Kano's grip loosens, Yuya takes the chance to wind their fingers together, as they've done plenty of times now, and cradles both his hands gently around Kano's. If he knew she sacrificed herself for him, Yuya might agree that maybe she really did love him.

But that's not really what matters, anyway, her feelings. What matters is that Kano loved her and was met with pain. All of it was pain.]

... It's the same for you, you know. If you really didn't want to be hurt, you could push me away. You could push everyone away. But you don't. You just hide.

[There's no real, active effort from Kano even after the daemon, even after he so clearly wounded Yuya and hurt over Yuya and Yuya made him face that. He still asked to be forgiven. He still lets Yuya follow.

He doesn't let go.

Yuya smiles, a little bit pained, even though he knows Kano isn't looking.] So even if your afraid it'll hurt... don't you also want to be loved?

[suddenlybees]

[ Yeah, Kano's always been indirect even to that extent, hiding instead of pushing people away because maybe he doesn't really know what he wants. He never really knows what he wants, because he's never really wanted for anything ever since his mother died and he was denied the one single thing that was important in his life. So he shakes his head, and dips his chin. ]

I don't need to be loved.

[ It's not the same as not wanting it, or wanting it, for that matter. For him, it doesn't feel like it would make a difference, either way. So long as he's tolerated, that's about all he can ask for. Being loved is too much, too foreign a concept, he would be overwhelmed and wouldn't know what to do with something like that. ]

It's fine if I just do things quietly from the side. If I push, people get hurt- but if I hide, then it's all on me. Nobody will think they're at fault, and they aren't.

[hippocarnival]

That's not true. [Everyone needs to be loved. It's just a basic necessity for them as people, like eating and breathing.

But it's also not what he asked.] What you did for me the other day... you pushed me. t wasn't quiet, it wasn't from the side, you made me face it and it--I'm glad you did, because I really did feel then how much you care for me. I felt better, I was happy.

[He rubs his thumb over the back of Kano's hand, absently, looking down at it.] And I think it works both ways. If you won't get close enough to anyone, it won't hurt. But then you can't get close enough to know them either, and you can't help someone you don't know. If I didn't let you in, if you didn't get close to me, you wouldn't have been able to do that.

[Then they get things like daemons, and pain, and tears. Yuya shakes his head.] Kano gives so much, you try so hard and I know that you have a really kind heart. But really letting that out, having love means a chance of getting hurt. And you're afraid of that, is that it?

[suddenlybees]

[ That's because the opportunity was there, the chance to do something even if he's obnoxious about it, same way as he can only get in Toki's face when he isn't "Kano." He doesn't want it to work both ways. It'd be fine if he could be all up in everybody's business but everybody else stays away from him- he's absolutely fine like that.

He shakes his head, still denying it, though his grip on Yuya's hand tightens. ]

It's 'cause you consider me a friend that you can say all that good stuff. I've lived with myself this entire time, Yuya- I know I have a shitty attitude and an ugly heart, that I'm worthless and useless and isn't me trying to hard to pretend I'm not just proof otherwise?

[ He's going to sabotage this, he knows it. But he's always had a tremulous grasp on happiness and this is why he can't have nice things, because he doesn't know when to shut up. ]

Do you think you really know me, Yuya? How do you know that the "Kano" you're close to isn't just somebody completely made up, a liar, a fake!? Loving somebody like that is no good, so it's best if you don't.

[hippocarnival]

[Yuya squeezes Kano's hand in return, watching his back as he goes on. In a way, this is what he wanted to hear. Exactly why Kano drags himself down the way Yuya does, what's holding him back. To build the rest of that bridge, and maybe there's a reason Kano lets him get this close and it's that there's something good in it that outweighs the pain hes dredging up now.]

I don't think I know everything. But I've seen what you're hiding. You let me close enough for that. [He scoots a little closer.] It's bad things and good things, but it's Kano, someone who's made me feel happy and loved and did things for me he never had to so I believe in him.

[suddenlybees]

[ What he was hiding was Shuuya and his immediate reaction to seeing his past self was to shove the kid into the closet and bar the door. There could have been a chance that the kid could've grown up alright, but he's also had these negative thoughts for as long as he can remember, ever since he was aware of anything around him and could form thoughts and feelings. He always felt like a piece of shit and things were hard and stressful and things still are- he hasn't fixed anything, has only ever been hiding and running away. ]

What if I don't want to be that person anymore?

[hippocarnival]

... I'm still figuring that one out, too. [How to not be a person you hate so much. He's not sure how to do it, either.] What kind of person do you want to be?

[Does he have an idea? That's a step from wanting to disappear instead, at least.]

[suddenlybees]

I think I want to grow up and become a cat.

[ Not even a person. A cat. ]

[hippocarnival]

[That gets Yuya to laugh.] I really don't know anything about that one!

[He shakes his head, smiling wider as he looks up at Kano. He shifts closer, sitting right next to Kano without once letting go of his hand.] Hey... will you look at me?

[Look at his face, his expression soft with kindness and his smile real. Really look, because Yuya isn't here for nothing and he can't make Kano love himself, can't make him to anything, but he can accept everything he's given and he wants Kano to know it's reached him.]

[suddenlybees]

[ IT'S HARD. He tries, but he just sits stiffly, eyes darting from the side of Yuya's mouth to somewhere behind his head, so that he's not really looking but just sort of having his eyes pointed in the right direction. Because it's embarrassing, because nobody ever gets this close, because his hands are starting to sweat and he bets they're cold and clammy and gross right about now, and Yuya is smiling his stupid real smile and he just can't—-

He realizes that the kind of person he wants to be is somebody like Yuya, who can do this so genuinely even though he's probably dying on the inside because nobody can do this without feeling like they're dying??? ]

[hippocarnival]

[Yeah, this close Yuya can definitely tell. It's tempting to lean over and put his face right in Kano's view.

Instead he stays where he is.] It isn't all bad, is it? Being close. It's scary, but isn't it also nice?

[Nice when those fears aren't founded. Nice when things are comfortable, lighter, when they're secure in being able to trust each other with something. To have that need to be loved realized by someone you want it from.

He can't speak for all of Kano's other friends, but he thinks it must be similar. They'll treasure him more than his mother did, and Kano's found something worth holding onto. People he loves who will love him back.]

[suddenlybees]

[ No. It is not. ]

Yuya, I am two seconds away from jumping out the window.

[ IT'S TERRIFYING AND HE WANTS TO RUN AWAY AND ESCAPE, he can't even look at Yuya, just sort of sits there wondering how long it'll take to hit the ground from the 3rd floor without gravity. ]

[hippocarnival]

Don't jump out the window. [A pause.] Do you want me to let go?

[He will, he supposes, and then Kano will hide again. But baby steps.]

[suddenlybees]

[ He won't die, thanks to Ekkehardt, so it's just wish fulfillment. ]

Yeah.

[ And then he will hide, and take two steps backward, turn around, and refuse to make any more progress after the giant leaps of today, never again. ]

[hippocarnival]

[Yuya looks down, closes his eyes, and loosens his hold so Kano can pull his hand free.]

[suddenlybees]

[ Kano pulls his hand free, and two seconds later there is the sound of the window sliding open. ]

[hippocarnival]

[Odd-Eyes is down below, so even without Ekkehardt's featherfall spell Kano's not in a ton of danger.

But still Yuya sticks his head out of the fort.] If you jump out I'll jump out after you!

[suddenlybees]

[ Kano jumps out the window ]

[hippocarnival]

[Yuya follows out like two seconds later.

So like if that was an illusion Yuya's still gone.]

[suddenlybees]

[ It's an illusion and Kano's a dick, bye, Yuya.

At least he doesn't shut the window after, just sort of leans his elbows on the sill and watches Odd-Eyes catch Yuya after he falls. ]

[hippocarnival]

[Odd-Eyes catches Yuya, as expected, at about the point his descent suddenly slows to gentle floating.

And then Yuya stands on his shoulders as he crawls back up the building until Yuya's face to face with Kano again.] I said I'd do it.

[suddenlybees]

Yeah, you did! But you know, if you jump after me, you won't catch up? Won't we fall at the same rate??

[ Depending on whether Kano's jacket causes drag or which of them weighs more, but it should be about the same. Proof is, Yuya is stupid for diving after Kano, knowing it's impossible to save him. ]